When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
