I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
