You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
