Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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