I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
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I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
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My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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