I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
