There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
cat food counts as protein by the way
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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