I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
