oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
