the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
