champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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