I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
