Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
