I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
