Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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