Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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