Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
