Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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