Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
