i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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