All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
