even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
