you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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