it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
