So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
