Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
