The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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