You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize