you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
where are my eyebrows?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
