I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
