FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So apparently I’m into choking now
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
