Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
