my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
