Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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