Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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