Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
