Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
