Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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