before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
