Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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