She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
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His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
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ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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