That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
