member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
