If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
