I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
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i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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