Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
