Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
