just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He called his prostate his "boner button".
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
