I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
