Ambien. No doubt about it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
