Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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