I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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