She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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