I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
