THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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