Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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