im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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