If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
