Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
