At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
